Showing some clear outside-the-box thinking (provided the box is labeled “Creativity”), Sony Pictures recently announced that the 21 Jump Street and Men In Black film franchises are coming together for a crossover movie. Of course, since Hollywood just cannot resist an unoriginal idea, the entire rest of Tinseltown are scrambling to mash up other franchises and cash in on that sweet copycat money.
Consulting my contacts in the industry, I found that there is a tsunami of tsuck headed our way. Here’s what we can expect in movie theaters soon:
5. Untitled Freddy Krueger / The Muppets project
Who could resist mashing up the genres of horror… and Freddy Krueger? If the Muppets thought it was weird to have a human’s hand up their butt all day before, wait till they nod off and Freddy shows up. May I suggest calling this one, “A Nightmare on Sesame Street”?
4. Jackie’s Hateful Reservoir Basterds Grind Bill Unchained
How’s this for a Summer tentpole crossover event! Every character from Quentin Tarantino’s movies encounters each other in his most confusing, non-linear film yet. Samuel L. Jackson is an Oscar shoo-in for out-Klumping Eddie Murphy in this. Also will be notable as the only screenplay to only include the F-bomb and the N-word for 180 minutes. Sundance, look out!
3. Hannibal Lecter meets Revenge of the Nerds
FBI agent Clarice Starling investigates a string of gruesome cannibalistic killings of a college fraternity with the help of lovable bookworms. Working together, can they stop The Silence Of The Lambdas? (Alternatively titled, Hannibal Eats A Booger.)
2. Dark Knight At The Museum
Retired crimefighter Batman takes a job as a graveyard shift security guard at a museum. Is he really seeing the displays come to life? Or is it all an acid flashback from the Scarecrow’s fear toxin? “Theatricality and deception are powerful agents to the uninitiated… but we are initiated, aren’t we Teddy Roosevelt? Members of the American Museum of Natural History!” But hang on, comic book fans. The greatest crossover event ever will be…
1. Batman vs Superman vs Alien vs Predator vs Kramer vs Kramer
Ah, it’s not just a crossover, or a triple crossover. Or even a quadruple crossover. It’s… a FIVEtuple crossover! (That’s probably a word.) The Caped Crusader takes on not only the Man of Steel, but also the salivating double-mouthed beast, the dreadlocked space hunter, Dustin Hoffman AND Seinfeld’s racist neighbor. Surely an R-rating for this one, as one of the Kramers tries his best to audition for the next Tarantino film.