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In the movies they always seem to play the perfect song at the right time. Like at the end of Pretty in Pink when Blaine kisses Andie, you hear OMD’s “If You Leave.” Or in Rush Hour 3 when Carter and Lee have a fight and go their separate ways, cue Elton John’s “Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word.” Or anytime in any movie when there’s a double-speed montage of people doing fun things, it’s time for Katrina and the Waves’ “Walking on Sunshine.” The guy who puts the soundtracks together is a genius. I’m probably not the guy for that job.

When I was getting married, I found a song that I thought would be perfect to be played at the ceremony. After talking to the singer/songwriter, he declined to take the gig because the song was actually about his dying grandmother. I don’t know how I could have gotten that so wrong.

It’s been almost three weeks since my dog Coffeebean passed away and it still hurts. Something, anything, sets me off again. I was cutting onions the other day, and I remembered that Coffee wasn’t ever supposed to eat onions. I cried. Well, maybe it was the onions.

The latest thing to set me off was a song by Makana, who is a brilliant musician from Hawaii. I’ll quote the last verse from Goodnite Friend, although the lyrics here are wildly out of context. At least this time I know the song has nothing to do with this occasion. But these are the words that I wish I could have told my boy as he lay dying in my arms.

There is only one true flame,
One candle with many names
All appearing in a dream as you lay awake
Close your eyes, let it be
I am you and you are me
May our reality drift into a dream
Goodnight friend, see you on the other side

Yes, Coffeebean, see you on the other side.

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Vancouver Mascot FAIL

February 16, 2010

in Blogs

Joanie Loves Quatchi

If you thought the Beijing Olympics mascots were wack, get a load of the Vancouver 2010 mascots.

Why do these things look like Hello Kitty friends from Sanrio? If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you either have no females in your life under the age of 40, or you are Amish. Even the Taliban know about Hello Kitty. Mullah Omar once said, “Hello Kitty? More like Infidel Whore Kitty! Cover your ankles, harlot! At least My Melody wears proper Hijab.”

Mullah Omar Eye-Meter of Sanrio Character Approval

The mascots for these Canadian games are Miga, Quatchi and Sumi.

Miga, according to the Vancouver 2010 website, is “part killer whale and part bear.” Miga please.

Quatchi, as you might guess, is a sasquatch. Or a Taliban. Whatever, it is really hairy. But if he is a sasquatch, he is the world’s shittiest sasquatch, as he needs earmuffs to live in the cold. Plus, he has a tattoo. Check out the ink on his shoulder. Reppin’ your hood with a tat? That’s gangsta. Sasqueeeotch!

And finally, Sumi. Sumi is the mascot for the Paralympics. He wears a helmet. WTF!

On the other hand, it’s better than whatever we came up with for Atlanta in 1996. I give you Izzy the Whatizit:

Mullah Omar would poke his good eye out if he ever saw this.

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The PO Box – Stupid People, Please Try Harder

February 11, 2010
The PO Box

I understand. My last name is Japanese. It’s not Smith or Jones. So I’ll give you a pass if you pronounce it incorrectly. Within limitations. If you throw out a Ow-gay-tah or even an Aug-uttuh, at least you are using the correct letters in the proper sequence.
But from time to time, I’ll get people who [...]

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Super Crazy Weekend

February 8, 2010
Performing aboard the USS John C Stennis with Comics On Duty!

You probably drove to a Super Bowl party at a friend’s house or a bar, and maybe put on the store-bought jersey of your favorite team. I did something like that, except I hopped on a plane, tail-hooked onto an aircraft carrier in the middle of the ocean and put on a Super Bowl championship [...]

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Navy Ashtray

January 28, 2010
Navy Ashtray

This was an ashtray I saw while walking around Naval Air Station Pensacola. Feel free to make your own jokes here.

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Sold Ouch!

January 19, 2010
Comics On Duty... Sold Out!

Great news and not so great news. The great news is that I’m back on tour again with Comics On Duty, bringing smiles to the brave men and women of America’s military. This time I hauled my cookies all the way across the continent to NAS Key West. A great sold-out crowd for our first [...]

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The PO Box – Don’t Believe The Stereotypes

January 12, 2010
The PO Box

I was on the receiving end of some of the strangest racism ever.
The other day I walked into an ice cream shop. (Because I love ice cream. And because they hate it when you tunnel up into their shop.) For the sake of protecting the identity of the store, let’s just call it “Cold’s Tonec [...]

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The PO Box – These Are A Few Of My Unfavorite Things

January 7, 2010
The PO Box

Every day, I come across far many more things that piss me off than those that bring joy into my inner being. They say you have to stop and smell the roses? No. I say you have to stop and document the turd piles. That way others can benefit from your map of life’s little [...]

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This Christmas Your Nuts May Taste Strange

December 25, 2009
Yes. You read it correctly. Spam-flavored Mac Nuts.

Now that I no longer live in Hawaii, I depend on care packages from the 808 to keep the home-sickness at bay. Usually the box will contain macadamia nuts in some form. But yesterday, a package arrived on my doorstep containing this oddity: Spam-flavored Macadamia Nuts.
Your first thought might be, “How low does your [...]

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Interviewed And Painted

December 1, 2009
Artist Marc Eliuk

Marc Eliuk is a very talented artist who not only paints, but interviews other artists as well. His portraits are incredible, however he also has a penchant for the dark and surreal. “Pandemic” is one such an example of this style, and one of my faves.
We sat down at our keyboards, thousands of miles [...]

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