Dear never-conceived children of mine,

I’ve always wanted to have kids, and download my accumulated knowledge into their little heads. But I don’t have children. (Which may not be the worst situation for society.) It could be for any number of reasons: bad genes, cruel gods, poor aim.

Plus, I fear the extent of my brain dump would only be stupid clichés I’ve heard over the years anyway.

And most of the cliche bits of advice you’ll get will contradict the next one.

Just be yourself, but fake it till you make it.

Money doesn’t grow on trees, and yet money is the root of all evil.

The early bird gets the worm. But somehow good things come to those who wait.

See? Somebody, or everybody, is lying.

So instead, my unrealized progeny of a dead-end lineage, remember this very important bit of advice: don’t listen to anybody’s advice. Including mine, which means you should pay close attention to what I’m about to tell you.

Life’s a bitch, life is short, life isn’t fair. So it turns out life is the girl I sat next to in 6th grade.

Winning isn’t everything. Not losing is.

They say that failing to plan is planning to fail. But if you take forever planning to plan, you will actually succeed in failing to fail. I don’t even know what I just said.

It’s all fun and games until somebody pokes their eye out. Unless you’re playing “Poke The Eye Out”, in which case, game on.

Don’t let anybody tell you how to cook your steak. Eat it however you want to. Unless it’s Rare or more than Medium, because then you don’t deserve good things. Monster.

A garden is a friend you can visit anytime, especially if you have Asperger’s.

*Everything* in moderation? How about just a fair amount of things in moderation.

If you don’t stand for something, you are probably not an acronym.

You should grow a thick skin. Because beauty is skin deep and you want to be as beautiful as possible. Don’t be one of those sensitive ugly people with the thin skins.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, maybe it’s you.

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy wealthy and wise. But how, exactly? You’re not getting more sleep, only shifting your sleep pattern. Party into the night and wake up late. You’ll have more fun.

In my humble opinion, for what it’s worth, at the end of the day, it is what it is.

And now you’re ready to take on the world. Don’t screw it up.

Love,
Your dad