Right now I am sidelined from my job because of the ongoing vendetta the year 2020 has against us. On the plus side, this time off has given me the opportunity to reflect on some of my previous adventures.
Turns out there’s a thing called Aviation Geeks (AvGeeks, for short). They love everything about flying: the aircraft, the airports, even the flight attendants. They know tail numbers and routes and airport 3-letter codes and airline 2-letter codes and reverse herringbone seat layouts. All serious business to these fanatics.
I read one post by a self-proclaimed AvGeek detailing his 11 Craziest AvGeek Experiences. Interesting moments such as maiden voyages, airport access, flight attendant training and more. Give it a read and see how your travels stack up with this guy’s. (Narrator’s Voice: they won’t.)
Nearly the entirety of my travel is to get me from one gig to the next, so I don’t have a lot of cool civilian aviation moments where I get to pick the final voyage of an airline’s 747 or anything like that. But fortunately, I have done a bunch of shows for the American military, and that has presented a plethora of wild times involving aircraft.
Here, then, is my list of
10 CRAZIEST AVGEEK EXPERIENCES!
10. Did the Island Hopper Run
I didn’t know that this route is an AvGeek bucket list item. But United Airlines posted a blog about things AvGeeks must do. Fly in first class, for instance. Or do the Island Hopper route of flights. It’s a 17-hour slog from Honolulu to Majuro to Kwajalein to Kosrae to Pohnpei to Truk to Guam. Whew!
Nice self-serving list, United. What else must AvGeeks absolutely do? Buy stock in United Airlines Holdings Inc? OH THE EXHILARATION! Anyway, I’ll include this run since you say so. This was for a USO tour involving shows on Johnston Atoll, Kwajalein and Guam, and my first overseas shows for the military.
Since then, the military has shut down the facility at Johnston and, with it, commercial flights there. But it is a bird sanctuary, so flights of a different kind still happen.
9. Visiting an Old Soviet/Russian Boneyard
During a trip to Afghanistan, we stopped off in Kyrgyzstan to change planes. The troops who were tasked with escorting us around asked us, “Hey, you wanna see some cool s#!t?” Except they actually said it instead of with a hashtag and exclamation point.
They drove just off the runway at FRU (Manas International Airport) in Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan, where there is an old Soviet/Russian boneyard. Here, many interesting old aircraft can be found, including one that had canvas wings. OMG. Did every country have such scarily primitive aircraft or just the Soviet Union? As Yakov Smirnoff would say, “What a country.”
Human graveyards are creepy. Plane graveyards are less creepy, even though they are nicknamed “boneyards,” which sounds more like a human graveyard.
8. Sitting in the Cockpit of a B-2 Stealth Bomber
Each one of these things cost ¾ OF A BILLION DOLLARS. That’s the base model. I can’t believe they let a comedian get in one of these. The Ferrari dealership won’t even let me do that.
It is very cramped in there, and if there are any comfort features, they are stealth also. Good move. I guess you don’t want your crew asleep in their lie-flat seat with in-flight entertainment system and plated gourmet meals.
Obviously, no pictures were allowed here. They confiscate all your gear before you get close to the B-2 Spirits. I will say that this would have ranked higher on my list if they let me fly in it. Your move, USAF.
7. Visit Airplane Beach
Perhaps this should be much higher on my list because it is the only one I got to do with my wife. But as you’ll see later in the list, it does get way cooler and this is not a list about my wife. NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU HONEY.
Uh, where was I?
Oh yeah. Cool airport that sits at the edge of Sint Maarten island, right up against Maho Beach. This situation allows very up close views of planes coming and going. More importantly, it also lets stupid people (me) stand at the end of the runway and feel the jet blast of planes taking off. Don’t worry, you will be protected because you are standing behind a protective CHAIN LINK FENCE. This is a really bad idea and there are no shortages of signs telling you so. But come on.
6. Watching Flight Ops From The Tower of the USS Bataan
Until this point in my life I had only seen the McDonnell Douglas AV-8B Harrier II in the Schwarzenegger movie, True Lies. I had always wanted to see one take off and land in person.
Once again, thanks to the military this was scratched off the bucket list. I even got to get an extremely close look at the Harrier engine. (See photo above.)
Watching those things in action is surreal as they seem to defy the laws of gravity and physics. Amazing aircraft, and I would definitely love to ride inside one of those things. Not on top, like Eliza Dushku.
5. Riding in the cockpit of a C-17 Globemaster
Way cool. Even when I was a little kid I never got to hang out in the cockpit of a plane in flight. It was always something I wanted to do.
Damn. Have I been an AvGeek all along and just didn’t realize it?
After stopping off at the boneyard in number 9, above, it was onwards to Kandahar, Afghanistan. The troops loaded a bunch of equipment (and comedians) into the GIGANTIC belly of this matte grey beast of the sky. This thing is big. It is cold. It loud. It is, I guess, my 11th grade English teacher.
As we were all strapped in to our seats in the cargo hold of the plane, one of the Air Force pilots comes back and asks, “Does anybody want to ride in the cockpit?” Well, I’ve watched enough Ultimate Fighter, season 5, to know that MMA legend and BJJ prodigy BJ Penn says, “Be first. Always be first.”
So like a cat placed into a bathtub, I immediately and violently slipped my bonds and stood up, shouting, “I’ll do it.”
Taking off at the crack of dawn and seeing the sun rise over the Himalayas through the front of the plane was something I’ll never forget. Awe inspiring. Wondrous. Stunning. Remind me to forward this list to the other comedians.
4. Riding in the chase car for the U-2 Dragon Lady
The U-2 is one of the oldest planes still in use by the military. It’s darn near a spaceship, as it flies twice the altitude of passenger jets at 70,000 feet. Okay, it’s not quite space, but the pilots sure dress like it. The Dragon Lady, as it is called, has a lengthy, storied history.
At this undisclosed location (I can’t say where, but when I got home from this trip I saw a newspaper article that said where the planes were flying out of. I don’t need the feds knocking my door down.) we were again prohibited from photographing, but we got to meet the pilots and try on the gear. Then, for the finale, we hopped into a BMW M5 and sped out onto the runway to intercept an incoming U-2.
The planes need a spotter car that can haul butt to guide it in, so you can imagine how fast the car has to be traveling. Bummer that I didn’t get to go spy on Russia from high altitude, though I did get my pulse racing. The U-2 as the plane passed right over our heads and landed in front of us.
I’ve never seen the band U2 in concert but they’d have a hard time living up this this U-2 experience.
3. Flying in a Black Hawk
While in Afghanistan, mostly you’ll get around in the UH-60 Black Hawk, the ubiquitous helicopter of war. On other occasions, you’ll drive (extremely quickly) in a convoy of Humvees. No offense to the ground team, but I prefer the ride in the sky. Seems… safer?
On the most memorable of these rides, the crew from the Idaho Air National Guard in charge of transporting the comedians decided to show us what these birds can do.
In what I can only guess was a “training op,” they swooped up and down, over the hills, banking left and right with the doors open and guns blazing. The smell of the powder took my mind off the smell of urine in my pants.
2. Flying in a V-22 Osprey
One tour for the military offered a unique selection of aviation experiences. (See number 6 above.) Heading out to an undisclosed location in the ocean to meet up with the USS Bataan, we jumped into a couple of V-22 Ospreys. These are the planes with tilting rotors that allow it to take off and land vertically like a helicopter then zoom off like an airplane.
That would have been cool enough. Then they went the extra mile by flying in very close formation the rear hatch open so we could see the other Osprey out the back of ours. Crazy! I could see the other pilot’s face clearly, that’s how close we were.
1. Landing On and Taking Off From An Aircraft Carrier
Listen, if you ever get the chance to do a carrier landing, DO IT. Someone told me that most people in the Navy don’t get to experience it, which doesn’t seem fair. Of course, I didn’t get to do this in a fighter jet, however, I AM AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW, ARE YOU LISTENING NAVY? Instead, we flew to the USS John C. Stennis aboard a C-2 Greyhound.
The C-2 is not a jet; it has propellers. Let that sink in when you imagine the take off from the ship. Even with the steam catapult system, the Greyhound dipped a little after leaving the deck. Exciting for different reasons entirely!
The full tale of this adventure is here. But the image at the top of this post is me in the mandatory safety gear for the C-2 ride. And what a ride it was.